I believe I can see the future, because I repeat the same routine

As every other college student, I can say I'm stressed. The rainy weather easily makes me depressed. When I am depressed I become a little antisocial.

All of this combines with big load of issues...

First of all, consider your opinions that infringe on the personal lives of others. I am content. My choice may not be what you choose but the difference is it is my life and in the end I live with my decisions, not you. If you are right and they are bad choices, I will figure it out the hard way. That's fine. At least then it will because I came to that conclusion, not because you came to that conclusion for me. This goes out to two people, somewhat a third, I have loved all my life and still love. It hurts me worse when it is people I love who tell me things that shouldn't be said, especially in certain company. Simple politeness would have made me feel just a little bit different.

Secondly, I found out some heavy, disturbing news about an EXTREMELY close relative of mine. At first I took it in stride, cautioning myself to really think about it before I made a decision about it. This morning my friend and I both exchanged hard news about our families. Because it was an exchange, my news had no affect on me because I was so involved in her story. Later I started to speak to my friend Claire about the first issue and then this second issue came about. I lost it.

I lost it in that I let myself get the better of me. I was already feeling pretty low which made myself extremely vulnerable to bad situations. All the issues I have in the back of my head became extremely relevant. I find myself knowing in a few years I will have to take control of something I should not have to be involved in until i am in my late 40s. My family member will need me in many, many ways. Those ways are extremely difficult and complicated. I began to foresee the future in my head. Everything began to snowball and reality truly reared its ugly head today.

Ice cream can't help, Lexapro can't and Pandora just further pissed me off. A usually light conversation with a friend finally made me confront issues I did not want to and it made them even more extreme with this latest piece of news.

I walk around with a facade. Only the people I love (family, friends, boyfriend) really know my secrets and the full extent of problems like these. If you saw me just now, you would pass me up, judging me, thinking I looked like a college kid time warped in a middle school height with eyes that say a thousand words but only to a few.

If I could go for a drive, I would. If I could fight someone, I would. If I could cry, I would. If I could hug, I would.

I can always count on writing to alleviate some pain.



P.S. I am trying to figure out who reads this blog besides Alyssa, Sarah and occasionally Chris. So leave me a comment (it could just say M or something) to give me an idea. If yall care...