So after almost 3 years, Chris pulled me outside to break up with me on a Saturday. After fits of crying and arguing he decided it was too early and we hung out that afternoon with friends. Come Monday he came over to my house, his arms all around me while I cook his favorite- steak plus potatoes au gratin and asparagus. I must say it was pretty good.
All seemed so well. We were talking, laughing, hugging and kissing. We even went back to his apartment and continued on. Only for him to say on the way home he hasn't changed his mind on how he feels and he said "I don't love you, at least not the way I use to."
Have you ever felt empty? Breaking up is like the anti-weed. With pot, everything feels fresh and new, like you are discovering everything for the first time. A break-up alienates you, makes you feel like a stranger in your own job. Places feel different, you feel diseased. I felt as if someone just carved a huge hole in me and walked away. I found, and still, find myself drifting off and staring at one spot, a tsunami of loneliness, depression and hurt rushing over me. My friends can tell when it happens because they sense me fading away.
A week later I wrote him a note, telling him how knowing him has been amazing and I was so happy and enjoyed the time we spent together. I also told him how much I admired his family and how I was thankful they let me be a part in their perfect family. I got to see how loving and non-chaotic a family can be. Lastly I said I wanted to be friends and maybe have a 2nd first date.
The next day, July 4th, I tried to get him to go to the fireworks with me but he was too awkward by it. My cheeks were burning and I was trying so hard not to cry. Just seeing him makes me cry. He said he needs time, but that was neither a yes or no.
I would have stayed the night moping in my room but some friends of mine called me to come out. I am so thankful. This whole ordeal has caused me to have feelings of self mutilation, something to take away the pain. I feel like that pain will distract me from the pain within me. Every night I struggle with myself, not allowing myself to call him and tell him how much I love him like I have for the past 3 years. I see things and I think of him. I had plans with him like watching certain movies together, day trip to the beach or going to the zoo together. As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to do this things without him.
Not only did we have plans for right now but we planned to get engaged by May 2012. We had wedding plans, moving plans, house plans, children plans, pet plans.
I feel like there are so many empty promises and lies. Especially when he says he has been contemplating this break up for a month. A month of fake I love you's. A month of back stabbing.
Most of all, I wish I knew things weren't ok. He used to hate how I would wait till I couldn't take things anymore to make a confrontation out of it but he did the same. He didn't let me know things weren't ok till it was too late and he wanted to finalize these things. He said if things didn't change once he got back from Italy, he would break up for me. How were things suppose to change if I didn't know???
Apparently I am too cynical and negative; I have been the same person this whole time. He says he guesses he just realized it. I know I suffer with depression, I know there are lots of shitty things going on in my life but I didn't know that who I was was so repulsive to him. Bad enough for him to stop loving me, bad enough for him to just wish things were like they used to be.
I don't agree all the way. Sure I am a little negative toward humanity as a whole for all of their wrongs but I am polite to all people and I will help anyone out, ANYONE, no matter if I like them or not. I am friendly and kind and would die for the ones I love. I feel like that isn't so negative and cynical. I am realistic in my opinion.
I am extremely thankful for my friends. While I was describing the break up, one of my friends started tearing up. My friends brought me junk food and beer and encouraged me to go out more and cheer me up. A work mate made me a CD too. I have been going out much more lately and finding myself a bit happier. I appreciate the hell out of my friends and I love them dearly.
