So after almost 3 years, Chris pulled me outside to break up with me on a Saturday. After fits of crying and arguing he decided it was too early and we hung out that afternoon with friends. Come Monday he came over to my house, his arms all around me while I cook his favorite- steak plus potatoes au gratin and asparagus. I must say it was pretty good.
All seemed so well. We were talking, laughing, hugging and kissing. We even went back to his apartment and continued on. Only for him to say on the way home he hasn't changed his mind on how he feels and he said "I don't love you, at least not the way I use to."
Have you ever felt empty? Breaking up is like the anti-weed. With pot, everything feels fresh and new, like you are discovering everything for the first time. A break-up alienates you, makes you feel like a stranger in your own job. Places feel different, you feel diseased. I felt as if someone just carved a huge hole in me and walked away. I found, and still, find myself drifting off and staring at one spot, a tsunami of loneliness, depression and hurt rushing over me. My friends can tell when it happens because they sense me fading away.
A week later I wrote him a note, telling him how knowing him has been amazing and I was so happy and enjoyed the time we spent together. I also told him how much I admired his family and how I was thankful they let me be a part in their perfect family. I got to see how loving and non-chaotic a family can be. Lastly I said I wanted to be friends and maybe have a 2nd first date.
The next day, July 4th, I tried to get him to go to the fireworks with me but he was too awkward by it. My cheeks were burning and I was trying so hard not to cry. Just seeing him makes me cry. He said he needs time, but that was neither a yes or no.
I would have stayed the night moping in my room but some friends of mine called me to come out. I am so thankful. This whole ordeal has caused me to have feelings of self mutilation, something to take away the pain. I feel like that pain will distract me from the pain within me. Every night I struggle with myself, not allowing myself to call him and tell him how much I love him like I have for the past 3 years. I see things and I think of him. I had plans with him like watching certain movies together, day trip to the beach or going to the zoo together. As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to do this things without him.
Not only did we have plans for right now but we planned to get engaged by May 2012. We had wedding plans, moving plans, house plans, children plans, pet plans.
I feel like there are so many empty promises and lies. Especially when he says he has been contemplating this break up for a month. A month of fake I love you's. A month of back stabbing.
Most of all, I wish I knew things weren't ok. He used to hate how I would wait till I couldn't take things anymore to make a confrontation out of it but he did the same. He didn't let me know things weren't ok till it was too late and he wanted to finalize these things. He said if things didn't change once he got back from Italy, he would break up for me. How were things suppose to change if I didn't know???
Apparently I am too cynical and negative; I have been the same person this whole time. He says he guesses he just realized it. I know I suffer with depression, I know there are lots of shitty things going on in my life but I didn't know that who I was was so repulsive to him. Bad enough for him to stop loving me, bad enough for him to just wish things were like they used to be.
I don't agree all the way. Sure I am a little negative toward humanity as a whole for all of their wrongs but I am polite to all people and I will help anyone out, ANYONE, no matter if I like them or not. I am friendly and kind and would die for the ones I love. I feel like that isn't so negative and cynical. I am realistic in my opinion.
I am extremely thankful for my friends. While I was describing the break up, one of my friends started tearing up. My friends brought me junk food and beer and encouraged me to go out more and cheer me up. A work mate made me a CD too. I have been going out much more lately and finding myself a bit happier. I appreciate the hell out of my friends and I love them dearly.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Getting crafty with it
So lately I have been under a resurgance of crocheting. My aunt Monica taught me how to crochet back in the sixth grade. When I went to Miami this summer she retaught me single and double crochet and recently taught me the beginnings of knitting. She gave me an excellent book so I can teach myself knitting.
I am addicted now. I go to a local yarn store, Knits by Nana, to buy my yarn. They sell many brands of yarn, great quality and service. All the ladies know my name and are very helpful. I really like Berroco yarn because it is a good quality yarn, large quantity and decent price. I used the Vintage Berroco to make this brown blanket for my boyfriend.
I have also used the Berroco Comfort to make a hat for Connor, the boy I take care of. He has been dying for me to make him a hat in dark blue. I also have it in a beautiful red for a scarf.
I also am using another Berroco in their Comfort Chunky to work on a baby blanket. I have some of Louisa Harding's kasmir DK (Heavenly!) in a saphire color, Arauncia Hand Dyed yarn, and Sirdar Snuggly baby bamboo in a light blue, sage green and pink.
I plan on making some small blankets for animals in adoption places through Hugs for Homeless Animals. I also want to see about making hats for children at St. Judes Children Hospital in TN.
Ciao!
I am addicted now. I go to a local yarn store, Knits by Nana, to buy my yarn. They sell many brands of yarn, great quality and service. All the ladies know my name and are very helpful. I really like Berroco yarn because it is a good quality yarn, large quantity and decent price. I used the Vintage Berroco to make this brown blanket for my boyfriend.
I have also used the Berroco Comfort to make a hat for Connor, the boy I take care of. He has been dying for me to make him a hat in dark blue. I also have it in a beautiful red for a scarf.
I also am using another Berroco in their Comfort Chunky to work on a baby blanket. I have some of Louisa Harding's kasmir DK (Heavenly!) in a saphire color, Arauncia Hand Dyed yarn, and Sirdar Snuggly baby bamboo in a light blue, sage green and pink.
I plan on making some small blankets for animals in adoption places through Hugs for Homeless Animals. I also want to see about making hats for children at St. Judes Children Hospital in TN.
Ciao!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Updates
I am in my third year of college right now. I don't think I will be done in four years which is freaking me out.
My classes this semester
1. Music Appreciation
I am taking this class with my boyfriend. Our teacher seemed very nice at first but her true colors are showing. She thinks she is better than others because she appreaciates the Fine Arts, lumps all people into a catagory of people blind to music and art, and throws pity parties for herself depending on her mood. She also twitches her head wildly when we listen to music. We are using the Listening to Music with access code and CD which costed 138.00 (in addition to all my other books). Ignoring the obvious annoying things about my teacher, I enjoy the material and how it closes ties in with Western Civ.
2. Political Science 1001
My minor is political science and I have taken upper level courses, including one really difficult one. I needed to go back and take the beginning ones to get all the credits. My teacher on the first day said you are either all freshmen or seniors looking for an easy A, you know who you are.
I really enjoy his style of teaching. You have to pay close attention to the lectures, he speaks and conveys theories in wonderful ways. He is a teacher who is truly concerned about learning and willing to help us personally. We do have to read a load of material for the class. It is somewhat difficult to keep up with the readings with other work but it isn't hard to comprehend.
3. Marketing
I abhor this class solely because of my teacher. She has a terrible accent from up North, really stresses the business thing even though all but one person in her class are taking the course as prereqs for other majors. She comes up with the worst examples and reads straight off the power point. Not to mention she is a bit on the ditzy side. I am just so turned off by the class I fail to pay attention.
4. History
This class covers from the Reconstruction after the Civil War to current times. This class has a good bit of reading to keep up with. My professor lectures in a speedy voice but since I speak fast, I hear fast thus I can keep up. She is very enthusiastic about History and her fevor for it makes you pay attention and learn things you never knew.
5. Management
I have an amazing teacher for this class. He is witty, a good guy and he plays Classic Rock before class starts. Again his enthusiasm in the classroom requires my full attention and makes me want to learn more. His examples are very spot on and he keeps up his attendence of close to 800 students.
I still am a nanny for 3 kids since last January. They may be the reason I have had Strep Throat 3 times in the past month.
My classes this semester
1. Music Appreciation
I am taking this class with my boyfriend. Our teacher seemed very nice at first but her true colors are showing. She thinks she is better than others because she appreaciates the Fine Arts, lumps all people into a catagory of people blind to music and art, and throws pity parties for herself depending on her mood. She also twitches her head wildly when we listen to music. We are using the Listening to Music with access code and CD which costed 138.00 (in addition to all my other books). Ignoring the obvious annoying things about my teacher, I enjoy the material and how it closes ties in with Western Civ.
2. Political Science 1001
My minor is political science and I have taken upper level courses, including one really difficult one. I needed to go back and take the beginning ones to get all the credits. My teacher on the first day said you are either all freshmen or seniors looking for an easy A, you know who you are.
I really enjoy his style of teaching. You have to pay close attention to the lectures, he speaks and conveys theories in wonderful ways. He is a teacher who is truly concerned about learning and willing to help us personally. We do have to read a load of material for the class. It is somewhat difficult to keep up with the readings with other work but it isn't hard to comprehend.
3. Marketing
I abhor this class solely because of my teacher. She has a terrible accent from up North, really stresses the business thing even though all but one person in her class are taking the course as prereqs for other majors. She comes up with the worst examples and reads straight off the power point. Not to mention she is a bit on the ditzy side. I am just so turned off by the class I fail to pay attention.
4. History
This class covers from the Reconstruction after the Civil War to current times. This class has a good bit of reading to keep up with. My professor lectures in a speedy voice but since I speak fast, I hear fast thus I can keep up. She is very enthusiastic about History and her fevor for it makes you pay attention and learn things you never knew.
5. Management
I have an amazing teacher for this class. He is witty, a good guy and he plays Classic Rock before class starts. Again his enthusiasm in the classroom requires my full attention and makes me want to learn more. His examples are very spot on and he keeps up his attendence of close to 800 students.
I still am a nanny for 3 kids since last January. They may be the reason I have had Strep Throat 3 times in the past month.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I believe in the American dream
My family is from Cuba. Things were going well for them until the revolution and the new leadership under Fidel Castro. My grandparents sacrificed all they had to make enough money and stick it threw until there number was up. With freedom to leave their country, my grandparents, uncle, aunt and dad left all their belongings and arrived to the land of opportunity with nothing but a change of clothes.
Inspiring isn't it?
I am proud of this strong will my family had on both sides to not settle and yearn for prosperity. I am proud of the fellow immigrant families I know are naturalized citizens of America and went from nothing to success in a new country.
I feel like this spirit transcends and transforms through generations. I feel like I am going through the same uncharted territories.
Except by uncharted territories I mean college.
My father dropped out sophomore year, my mom went straight to work, my aunts took a few courses. My uncle was the only one to complete college and it took him some while. This trend continues down to my age group. Of my six older cousins, one has dropped out, one is somewhere in his studies, one is temporarily not in college because his career is doing well, one is a year older than me and on a path to graduation. I have only one cousin to have successfully finished college but not yet in med school as he had planned. I have a younger cousin who is a freshman in college.
I hate to blame any misfortunes I have on others but in some ways I feel slighted. Just like I did in high school, I have made some mistakes in college. Mistakes I made because of lack of guidance.
I wish sometimes I could have some piece of wisdom from my parents about how college GPA works, scholarships, scheduling aims, goals, things of that nature. Instead I feel like I must pioneer my way through and learn the hard way and impart some knowledge on to my sister so she can someday not feel as I do.
College is tricky. You think everything is okay and your main concern is adjusting and keeping yourself from being overwhelmed. You underestimate how grades do not come as easy as high school and what seems like an easy balance of affairs both academic, work and personal become a doomed domino tumble.
As a sophomore I feel as if I am in a hole trying desperately to pull my way out. I never had to work too extremely hard in high school because the set up and my own intelligence worked together and I graduated with second honors (second because of a scheduling mishap freshman year which would later cost me).
I am quite blind. I have somehow scheduled the proper amount of credits necessary, taken enough mass communication classes which puts me ahead and making decent grades this year. Sounds great right? Not enough. Because I didn't do so hot freshman year and accounting absolutely destroyed me, I have to fight so hard to get near the GPA necessary to even apply to the Manship School.
I have worked ever since I could, even before I could. I have done well in school. I worked for the University newspaper and news radio. I want a profession in Public Relations. I yearn for security, a family, a career, and happiness. I feel so far away from my goals because college seems like one huge maze I am in alone with a certain predestined fail looming on my shoulders.
In these times I need to remember my roots. I need to remember people made lives of nothing. Family members did what they had to do to live the life they wanted. They didn't stop for anything. This gives me strength to not stop before I am done with college.
I will pull up my GPA, I will make it into the Manship School. I will do better.
"' Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free'" -Emma Lazarus.
I believe in the American dream.
Inspiring isn't it?
I am proud of this strong will my family had on both sides to not settle and yearn for prosperity. I am proud of the fellow immigrant families I know are naturalized citizens of America and went from nothing to success in a new country.
I feel like this spirit transcends and transforms through generations. I feel like I am going through the same uncharted territories.
Except by uncharted territories I mean college.
My father dropped out sophomore year, my mom went straight to work, my aunts took a few courses. My uncle was the only one to complete college and it took him some while. This trend continues down to my age group. Of my six older cousins, one has dropped out, one is somewhere in his studies, one is temporarily not in college because his career is doing well, one is a year older than me and on a path to graduation. I have only one cousin to have successfully finished college but not yet in med school as he had planned. I have a younger cousin who is a freshman in college.
I hate to blame any misfortunes I have on others but in some ways I feel slighted. Just like I did in high school, I have made some mistakes in college. Mistakes I made because of lack of guidance.
I wish sometimes I could have some piece of wisdom from my parents about how college GPA works, scholarships, scheduling aims, goals, things of that nature. Instead I feel like I must pioneer my way through and learn the hard way and impart some knowledge on to my sister so she can someday not feel as I do.
College is tricky. You think everything is okay and your main concern is adjusting and keeping yourself from being overwhelmed. You underestimate how grades do not come as easy as high school and what seems like an easy balance of affairs both academic, work and personal become a doomed domino tumble.
As a sophomore I feel as if I am in a hole trying desperately to pull my way out. I never had to work too extremely hard in high school because the set up and my own intelligence worked together and I graduated with second honors (second because of a scheduling mishap freshman year which would later cost me).
I am quite blind. I have somehow scheduled the proper amount of credits necessary, taken enough mass communication classes which puts me ahead and making decent grades this year. Sounds great right? Not enough. Because I didn't do so hot freshman year and accounting absolutely destroyed me, I have to fight so hard to get near the GPA necessary to even apply to the Manship School.
I have worked ever since I could, even before I could. I have done well in school. I worked for the University newspaper and news radio. I want a profession in Public Relations. I yearn for security, a family, a career, and happiness. I feel so far away from my goals because college seems like one huge maze I am in alone with a certain predestined fail looming on my shoulders.
In these times I need to remember my roots. I need to remember people made lives of nothing. Family members did what they had to do to live the life they wanted. They didn't stop for anything. This gives me strength to not stop before I am done with college.
I will pull up my GPA, I will make it into the Manship School. I will do better.
"' Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free'" -Emma Lazarus.
I believe in the American dream.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Quando piove, diluvia
Sto risconstrado la settimana horible.
Miercoledi ho guidato a Smoothie King per smoothie prima guidato alla scuola. Ho la messo en nel supporto di tazza y ho guardo su e la maccina avanti io ha fermato. Ho frenato ma no nel tempo.
Voglio una macchina perche no ho. Voglio un macchina per la scuola e lavorare. No ho la moneta. Dopo nuovo anno io lavaro in il ristorante.
Non c'e' male. Sono male.
Mi amiche e io vogliamo parlare e siamo uscire. No non abbiamo tempo...
La mia zia sarà un intervento chirurgico domani.
Chris e io usciamo Saturday durante il gioco. Noi mangiamo e vediamo un buon film.
Miercoledi ho guidato a Smoothie King per smoothie prima guidato alla scuola. Ho la messo en nel supporto di tazza y ho guardo su e la maccina avanti io ha fermato. Ho frenato ma no nel tempo.
Voglio una macchina perche no ho. Voglio un macchina per la scuola e lavorare. No ho la moneta. Dopo nuovo anno io lavaro in il ristorante.
Non c'e' male. Sono male.
Mi amiche e io vogliamo parlare e siamo uscire. No non abbiamo tempo...
La mia zia sarà un intervento chirurgico domani.
Chris e io usciamo Saturday durante il gioco. Noi mangiamo e vediamo un buon film.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Its been one..year?
It's been awhile since I wrote a blog.
Not too long ago I was involved in a huge argument with someone I love. We are so blind and in a state of denial most of the time causing us not to see the problems we have before us. In our argument started the night before, leaving me feeling very uneasy about the future. I woke up the next morning feeling the worst I have felt in some time and when he tried to hug me that day, I couldn't even be touched. Its not until there is a confrontation for me to see the little things which contributed to the fire.
Fighting was the best plan of action for us. It took us letting out every frustration we had with the other in a calm manner, leaving room for discussion and compromising, to get over everything. Without a confrontation, things continually snowball until you are hit with an avalanche. At least this brought about a sense of awareness to our relationship and opened me up to see how he feels. I started out feeling as if there was an 85% chance we were breaking up a day before our anniversary on the 11th but after we fought and made up all in a few hours, I was sure we were stronger than ever.
Even though we have known each other for two years and dated for a year, I am continually finding little things about him I haven't noticed and we aren't tired of each other. We are friends with each others friends and his friends are friends with my girls as well. Its so funny how he can tell a story with so much enthusiasm and how loving he is.
For our anniversary I gave him a photo album with my favorite poem in the front and song quotes besides the pictures. I also gave him a Post Secret book with my own Post Secrets in it. He gave me roses in a vase, a beautiful pearl necklace and a mixed CD with great artists such as Queen and Boston.
Stasera,
Mary
Not too long ago I was involved in a huge argument with someone I love. We are so blind and in a state of denial most of the time causing us not to see the problems we have before us. In our argument started the night before, leaving me feeling very uneasy about the future. I woke up the next morning feeling the worst I have felt in some time and when he tried to hug me that day, I couldn't even be touched. Its not until there is a confrontation for me to see the little things which contributed to the fire.
Fighting was the best plan of action for us. It took us letting out every frustration we had with the other in a calm manner, leaving room for discussion and compromising, to get over everything. Without a confrontation, things continually snowball until you are hit with an avalanche. At least this brought about a sense of awareness to our relationship and opened me up to see how he feels. I started out feeling as if there was an 85% chance we were breaking up a day before our anniversary on the 11th but after we fought and made up all in a few hours, I was sure we were stronger than ever.
Even though we have known each other for two years and dated for a year, I am continually finding little things about him I haven't noticed and we aren't tired of each other. We are friends with each others friends and his friends are friends with my girls as well. Its so funny how he can tell a story with so much enthusiasm and how loving he is.
For our anniversary I gave him a photo album with my favorite poem in the front and song quotes besides the pictures. I also gave him a Post Secret book with my own Post Secrets in it. He gave me roses in a vase, a beautiful pearl necklace and a mixed CD with great artists such as Queen and Boston.
Stasera,
Mary
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Theatre of life
A wise man said Life is a stage
Then we are all marionettes
Spun by a creator
Our lives are but a tragedy and a comedy
Twist and turns of conflict and strife
Add drama to our lives
Awkward looks from a stranger
A comfortable glance from a lover
Day to day pleasantries carry us scene to scene
An emancipation, an extradition, a revolution
All is love in war and war in love
Opiate of the masses sedates into a coma
Blackouts lose sight
Losing touch, curtains close
Fate diverges and intersects
In a clash of events
Hate spills, discord disperses, lust impregnates
Only Hope remains
Then we are all marionettes
Spun by a creator
Our lives are but a tragedy and a comedy
Twist and turns of conflict and strife
Add drama to our lives
Awkward looks from a stranger
A comfortable glance from a lover
Day to day pleasantries carry us scene to scene
An emancipation, an extradition, a revolution
All is love in war and war in love
Opiate of the masses sedates into a coma
Blackouts lose sight
Losing touch, curtains close
Fate diverges and intersects
In a clash of events
Hate spills, discord disperses, lust impregnates
Only Hope remains
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